The Simpsons Guide to Springfield

The fictitious Are We There Yet? guidebook series falsely claims to have covered nonexistent towns from Lake Flaccid to Pwagmattasquarmsettport, but even if these other books and grim places existed, this lowdown on Bart's hometown would make any list of top vacation non-destinations. After a night at the Happy Earwig Hotel, you can trip the light Springtastic to the South Street Squidport, or shove Bart aside and try the Dirt Nap II game at the Noiseland Video Arcade. Catch the latest brainless blockbuster at the Googolplex Theatres, or get highbrow and catch Apu in Bright Lights, Beef Jerky at the Springfield Film Festival. Crave tunes? Try King Toot's Music Store, or nab a youth-culture CD at Suicide Notes (formerly Good Vibrations). Get a gravel rattle at Lullabuy$, the cut-rate baby emporium. Wolf a Creamycrunch Chugger at Gulp'n'Blow and dodge the swinging blade at the front door of the It's a Wonderful Knife shop. But please don't doff your radiation suit, and do read the signs: "This park is not copless, so please don't go topless." --Tim Appelo