The Alien Abduction Handbook

Nearly four million people believe they have been abducted and examined by aliens. It's just a matter of time before they get around to all of us. You need this information to ensure your safe return.

The Inter-Galactic Council believes that the abduction process can be streamlined if future abductees know what to expect, and are prepared for their journey, so they sent a spokesalien to brief us on their important protocols, and dispel some of the myths commonly attributed to aliens.

The Alien Abduction Handbook will answer all the questions you might have about the experience. What is best to wear? Can you request a postponement? Is it permissable to pack a carry-on bag, or a light lunch? What should you say on your outgoing voicemail message? For a fee, will the aliens drop you off at a different location than where you were abducted?

OK. So he sounds a little odd. He's an Alien!