The Adoption Triad Asks: Who am I really?

Who am I---really? applies to all parties in the adoption triad…birthmother and father, adoptee, and adoptive mother and father. We once thought adoption was the answer to everyone's dilemma. The mother could get on with her life. The baby would have a wonderful home. The new parents would have a child of their own. Now, we know this has never been true. everyone involved was suffering and unable to voice the pain. In spite of the hundreds of articles and books written by and about the adoption triad, each wonders why others cannot see their pain. The general public wonders why any of them have pain, since adoption seems to be the answer for everyone involved. Adoption is traumatic for both adoptee and birthmother and the majority search for each other often causing fear for the adoptive parents. Early separation affects the baby that was connected to the mother for nine months, leaving an innate need to find that connection again. Adoption is both a good thing and a bad thing. Every child deserves to have a stable home. To be adopted means someone had to give them up first. The big problem is secrecy. Adoptees do not have any biological roots; no genetic tie to anyone, and often cannot get their original birth certificates even as an adult. In New South Wales, Australia, children keep their names and biological history, as they become part of a new family. Adoptees from South Korea have dual citizenship since they had no choice in the matter. Every person has the right to know their origins and the truth about themselves. Every mother has the right to know the well being of the child she relinquished. Adoptive parents should not be pitied nor looked upon as saints for taking someone else's child. Adoptees have reason to fear intimate relationships because the person may be a biological parent or sibling. Adoption changes genealogy and kinship patterns are forever. Each member of the adoption triad needs to be able to say they are part of more than one family just as families of divorce. Having someone else's name and history implies ownership, not honesty and love. We need to understand and acknowledge the pain so we as a society and individuals can lead a happy, healthy life.