Funny Little Pregnant Things

"Hello, I want to start by letting you know I am not a doctor or any sort of professional in the field of babies and will not be giving any medical advice in this book. So if you are wondering why you keep sweating through your clothes and every sheet you own, you may want to get a different book. This book is not designed to tell you the “best” way to do anything. You’ll have plenty of people telling you, “This is how I did it and my way is, in fact, the best.” Newsflash—all pregnancies are different, and so are the babies they produce. “They,” whoever “they” are, seem to change the rules each year anyway. “Microwave your deli meat. Never mind, just use caution while eating. Feel free to gain lots of weight while pregnant. Actually, we are only going to budget you twenty pounds. Have a martini and a cigarette, it will help you relax—whoops, we got that one wrong.” So what exactly is this book, and why as a working mom with a two-year-old and a three-week-old have I decided to write it? First, the why. As a mom-to-be, I read a few of the prerequisite pregnancy books, and although factual, I found most of them to be very dull. When chapter 3 let me know my baby was now the size of lemon, I gave up. Where was the good stuff? After having two babies, I realized these books left out so many little details that you would only know if you had delivered a child. Details that are very important. For example, beware of the baby registry and all the crap you will never use, or be prepared to get breast milk all over everything you own! At least provide me with a pregnancy book with some humor, then maybe I can make it to chapter 6, where my baby now resembles a melon. In order to help those like me, who want some realistic tips in an easy-to-read fashion, this book is an account of some of the ridiculous things you may encounter while pregnant. It also includes “the good stuff” people forget to mention. For example, there is a greater-than-average chance you will sh——t yourself while giving birth. (Pregnancy—whoever said it would be easy.)"