Beauty in the Breakdown

In July of 2015 I finally got the courage to leave the abusive relationship and toxic living situation I was in. I ll spare you the ugly details; no one wants to read about it, especially my Dad.

Not a day went by that I didn t cry in the bathroom. Each evening, sometimes as soon as I got home from work I would let the feelings take over my body and have their way with me as I sat on the bathroom floor. Face to my knees, arms wrapped around, I hugged myself as I sobbed, praying for some kind of answer.

I let myself feel my weaknesses there, on the floor, because I knew no one could see me. I didn t want anyone to see me. I felt I had made such a mess of my life being so passive for the past year and a half that it was too difficult to start to clean up. I had no family near me, little money and no clue what to do.

The problem was I knew there was something very wrong, not just with the relationship I was in, but the relationship I had with myself. It was like a beast I could not bear look in the eyes because I knew it would take immense effort and strength to face my own demons. For months prior to leaving the relationship I treaded water, not moving anywhere, but not quite sinking. It felt impossible to leave, but impossible to stay, but the voice in my head was always the same:

This isn t your life.

I knew it wasn t my life, but I couldn t understand how it had gotten so bad, how I did I let it get so bad? I knew the power of my mind, I had known it in the past, I had known my positivity, so why was I feeling so lost?

I had suppressed my intuition.

My intuition had told me from the beginning not to be so passive, but before I knew it: one month had gone by, six months and then a full year. That is what happens when you take life day by day, just hoping things will get better, but not acting on personal development and growth.

I didn t harness my own inner strength, the power of my mind or listen to my intuition.

This is the story of how I took dominance of my life, educated myself and began to build my inner kingdom of self-love and independence and of course, go after the one impossible dream I had always had. All within one year.