The Dweeb of Morrington

"Hi. My name is Dwane Morring. Yes, Dwane without a 'y'. If you look up 'dweeb' in the dictionary, you might see things like 'socially inept', 'foolish', or 'great kisser'. I can guarantee the foolish part. Sometimes my mouth launches before my brain thinks. Like the time that cute girl asked me if she could ask me a question, and I said, 'you just did.' I'm a smooth talker, I am. It's a wonder women aren't beating down my door. Seriously.

"Now this book you're considering -- it's pretty darn funny. And sad. Funny and sad, both usually at my expense. I'll tell you when to laugh if you're not sure. It can be hard to tell sometimes, when you're dealing with a dweeb. By the way, if you're into apples, I've got a farm to sell you. You can laugh now. That was a joke. I would never sell the farm.

"So buy my book. It's about me. I'm a very interesting person. More importantly, I need the money. I'm trying to grow apples in my father's orchards. He let them go a while back. If I could just get the apples going again, I would be much happier. That, and if my father would give me his approval. Then I'd be happy. Well that, and if I got promoted at work. I really want to quit, but it's nice to be recognized, you know? Then I would be happy.

"That, and don't tell her I said this, but if my ex-wife were just a little more accommodating about my money situation... then: me happy. That, and if my eldest daughter were to cut the attitude once in a while. Then I'd be okay. Well, if I could add one more thing, since you’ve already read this far, if my youngest could live with me, then... then the rest of this life would be more bearable, you know? Sometimes you need someone to live for.

"To recap: (1) You buy my book (2) I grow apples (3) I get my father's blessing (4) I quit my job (4a) I get promoted (4b) I quit anyway (5) My ex-wife turns nice (5a) Hell freeze over (5b) My eldest stops ignoring me (6) My darling youngest daughter comes to live with me. Result: Happy, happy, happy. Happiness all 'round.

"You hold my future happiness in your hands. Or at the tip of the finger you use to click the mouse button. Either way, that's a huge responsibility. Don't make the decision too hastily. Remember, you have an opportunity to help grow some apples. I’ll even give you a cut. IF I ever get any to grow. Just read the book and it will all make sense. You might even learn a thing about growing apples. I know I did." *

* The preceding text represents the views of Dwane Morring a.k.a The Dweeb of Morrington and in no way should be considered as an endorsement by the author.