Living Beyond Suicide's Moment After

On the evening of January 24 1986, I was a 16 year old teenager. I was alone in the woods with a rifle, and I intended to use it. I was determined to follow my suicide plan to its final, resolute moment.

I didn't arrive at that place overnight. I surrendered my destiny to suicide on a summer afternoon, and as the sultry days turned into cold winter nights, the more I believed suicide was the only hope for me. I thought this is what I wanted as I loaded the rifle, aimed it at my heart, and pulled the trigger.

After I pulled the trigger and I was in the midst of that moment after…I knew I had made a mistake.

Nothing could have prepared me for the consequences of the moment after.

Immediately during the moment after, I wanted 2 things but it was a 3rd desire that would change the course of my life. I wanted to breathe freely again. I took breathing for granted. I wanted to see the sun one more time. The sun was setting during the moment after, and I knew I would never see it again.

I wanted my life back, but it was too late. Once a person enters suicide’s moment after, it’s often rare they get to walk away from it with their life. Those are the consequences of suicide. These are the consequences I never considered.

Fate was kind to me on that day. I missed my left heart wall by ¼ of an inch, but I still needed to escape the isolation of the woods and crawl towards help. I’m living beyond suicide’s moment after because of that 3rd desire, and an intervention from heaven.

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