Yes? No? Maybe?
Your boss wants you to come in this weekend, but you’ve stayed every night this week while the rest of the team went home. You’ve been asked to pick up the food for a big family celebration. You don’t mind doing the shopping, but you get the impression you’re expected to pay for it as well. What now?
We all wonder what’s best sometimes. There are times to sacrifice for others, and there are times to put ourselves first. But it can be hard to tell the difference – especially when the approval of those we love is at stake. Do we drop what we’re doing to help a friend or leave her to sort out the mess herself? Do we do other people’s work for them or expect them to be responsible? How do we go about setting boundaries that respect not just our relationships, but ourselves as well?
We’ve all faced these questions at some point in our lives; there are no easy answers. But there are principles that can help you to make the decisions that are right for you: decisions that support your values and beliefs while still taking reality into account.
Setting Boundaries in Relationships
Setting boundaries is often uncomfortable; pleasing people is much easier – at least in the short-term. So it’s important to have some guidelines to help you choose between assertiveness (which can leave you feeling guilty if you’re not careful) and approval-seeking. Stephanie Sterner wrote this book because so few of us understand the complexities of these choices. She knows that, in a difficult situation, you may need to address a number of issues:
* your values and beliefs about the situation;
* the type of person or people you’re dealing with;
* the consequences of not setting boundaries;
* the potential for missing or inaccurate information;
* the need to accept others’ choices as well as your own limitations;
* the many lies that run around in your head, persuading you to give away your power; and
* the painful emotions (such as guilt and shame) that we all try so hard to avoid.
In this straightforward, concise guide, Stephanie shows you how to deal with each of these issues. Whether you’re a people pleaser or not, you’ll gain valuable insights into the dynamics of some tricky situations (and people!). The purpose of this book is not to show you how to set boundaries, although there are examples throughout. Its real purpose is to give you a new perspective, so that you’re better able to choose the boundaries that are right for you.
So many books give relationship advice. Why this one?
Stephanie wrote this book because she has seen how people struggle with these decisions. She has also seen many authors tell their readers what to do … rather than helping them to make up their own minds. She knows from personal experience that there is no formula for difficult decisions or relationship success.
Stephanie has witnessed so many people alternating between feeling guilty about setting perfectly appropriate boundaries and resenting others for expecting too much. These unpleasant emotions are the result of our lack of understanding and often desperate need for approval. Of course, no book can eliminate guilt or the need for approval (it’s called “approval addiction†for a reason). But this one provides the understanding you need to take your first steps. And with each success, you’ll feel better about yourself. As Stephanie is fond of saying, “You can’t wait until you feel good enough to stand up for yourself. Stand up for yourself – even a little bit – and you’ll begin to feel good enough.†All this time we’ve had it backwards!
Better Boundaries
If you’ve been struggling with how much to do for others, with when to say yes and when to say no, this simple little book is just what you need. It can help you to identify – and take – those essential first steps.