Bat Sh*t Crazy

Bia Biscayne earned everything she had, and that included her reputation, her stretchmarks, and the moniker Judge That Effing B*tch. She was damn proud of every one of those things. A no-nonsense, straight-laced woman, her professional life was marked by orderliness that was a product of her mild-mannered temperament. And then she gave birth to her daughter, Zest, and her personal life started to resemble a mix between Looney Toons cartoon/action adventure films and science fiction. It was a good thing Bia counted a surgeon, a judge, a rabbi, a cardinal, and an orthodox priest as her friends, and that Zest counted a Texas ranger, a habitual felon, and the chick that was #1 on the International Fraternity of Mime s most wanted list as friends, because all of them (sometimes at the same time) had been called into action to save the world from Zest s brand of crazy.

Being the one who birthed that kind of crazy into the world, Bia felt it was her duty to contain it as best she could. She was doing a good job until the day she got a call from a town called Mid-NFW, Georgia wherever the heck that was. All Bia had needed to hear was blood feud with an international crime family vowing revenge and she was in her car dropping the hammer all the way there. Instead of the massacre she was expecting, she found a Norwegian warlord who looked like he d been dreamed up by a comic book artist. She should be trying to thwart an international incident, yet all she could think was how many ways she could ride the Norseman s face off.

Vasily Gu brander could be summed up in five words: As*holish Som B*tch of MotherF*ckerish Proportions. Just as products had warnings, ads had small print, and printed material had asterisks, every member of Vasily and every member of the Gu brander clan was the type of crazy that required nothing short of full disclosure. Half berserker, half Russian, and a hundred percent WTF, sometimes even that wasn t enough. That is why the Berserker Tribunal had an entire section of their laws dedicated to that family. Banished to Atlanta in summer just because everyone else was a pussy, his goal was to not get any blood residue on his sister s jet and something that involved not killing and maiming. But you throw five people out of a jet (in midair), and suddenly you re the bad guy. Thank goodness his friend knew people who knew people who owned a bar that was so buck wild it had an entrails detail. Everywhere that wasn t Aghi, Norway was forsaken territory, but he was learning to appreciate Mid-NFW. They weren t offended by anything, so while there d be bloodshed, no one would bitch about it.

He d planned to while away his time in the backwoods and then hightail it back to Norway, but then he met the sweetest child and then her mother, which led him to wonder how a woman so mean could birth a child so sweet. That of course, led to him getting cussed out, and if he d been a lesser male, killed. And while that was the sort of thing that usually led to him kicking off a massacre, all he wanted to do with Bia Biscayne was kick off his shoes, then tear off his clothes and make that feisty woman his.