The Underachiever's Guide to Perfect Holidays

The onslaught of reproduction has made this overachiever aiming under, especially for the Holidays, a spit storm of FUBARiffic Decking of the Halls brought to you by, none other than, mom. Take a shortcut through achievement, under it, with these hacks and how-to’s to get you through.

She was going to be the perfect mother. She was going to bake Christmas pies from scratch. She was going to make the kids donate time to charity to teach them the spirit of Christmas. She was going to have the department store Christmas tree she used to decorate for Stone and Thomas when she was in high school.

She was the perfect mother, up until the point where she had kids.

Now she has no idea how long that food has been sitting in her slow cooker and is planning to throw it away, again. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone.

Michelle Grewe is only one of the many moms who realized around the third day of having a baby, she was no longer going to pull off Mother of the Year.

“They forget to tell you the part where you never get to sleep again in that What to Expect When Expecting book.”

By the time kid number 3 came along, she realized Honorable Mention was definitely out.

She has had to make short cuts. She has had to pretend things happened the way they were supposed to happen despite that it didn’t go that way. She has pictures to prove her lies on her Facebook, for sake of the children’s memories.

“All my Christmas Pictures on Facebook are Photoshopped. Some women photoshop bigger boobs and a smaller waist, but I Photoshop out the carpet stains and drawings on my wall. One time I was even able to remove cobwebs from my ceiling.”

Now she has combined her engineering background with her artistic ingenuity and her inherent desire to sit on the sofa and watch a movie, and she compiled some Holiday Ideas you can do in that “Just a minute!” time your kids won’t let you have.

In this book, you might find:

The secrets to achieving the fake smile you see in all the 1950’s advertisements. What woman smiles like that next to words like, “Keep her wear she belongs?” A medicated one. That’s right ladies.

Department store worthy handmade bows, for that person on your list you’ve been trying to one-up at the mom thing.

Delicious Dinners you just “throw together.”

Easy Desserts that don’t require an Easy Bake oven.

An Apple Pie from Scratch, with only 10 minutes prep time.

Underachieving decorations that look like they belong on the cover of Better Homes.

Some of the dumbest crafts you’ll ever find that your kids will love, and you can still use what they made for something besides the spot on the back of the tree.

Cheap or Fail-Proof things that are slightly overachieving.

The word, “Plop,” in a How-To.

Lots of Easy Buttons. Metaphorically speaking.

Pencil in, "Enjoy the Holidays" on your to-do list. Keep things easy for yourself and Jingle Bell Hopscotch through the Holidays with Fantabuloso Underachievement.

May your days be merry and bright! May all your Holiday Expectations be Slight!

Warning: This entire book was written, edited, and designed while under the influence of children.

Michelle Grewe is a Mom, Air Force Veteran, Monster Hit man, 20 Questions Master, Human Jungle Gym, and a terrible driver. She paints, blogs at Crumpets and Bollocks and The Write Moms, plays piano badly, and dabbles in t-shirt design and fontography. She doesn’t fold underwear, and she eats loads of gluten. She is published in: Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee, Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness, Clash of the Couples, and Mom for the Holidays, and upcoming book Lose the Cape: Never Will I Ever (and then I had kids). She has been featured on websites such as Popsugar Moms, Mamalode, Blunt Moms, New York Times Motherlode, and BlogHer.