The Juju Rules: Or, How to Win Ballgames from Your Couch: A Memoir of a Fan Obsessed

Hart Seely on The Juju Rules

What exactly is juju?
Juju is the anecdotal science of influencing the outcome of sporting events through seemingly unrelated acts, in the comfort and privacy of your home. It combines the most recent revelations from the Large Hadron Collider to other unexplainable phenomena, such as the inability of a certain millionaire Yankee third baseman to hit with runners on base.

Could juju affect sports other than baseball?
Football, possibly. I've tried it over the years with the New York Giants, but frankly, Eli Manning is a total crapshoot. As for basketball and hockey, forget it. They're too chaotic. You can't be flinging juju into your TV during a two-on-one fast break. Proper juju requires 20 to 30 seconds of down time between each pitch. That's just enough time to focus on the pitcher, to concentrate on the situation, and to ponder what a failure you are in life--until now, when you can finally do something to help your team.

Was there ever one Yankee game that your observance of the juju rules most affected?
Ever hear of a fellow named Bucky Dent? I'm the reason why in Boston he has a special middle name.

How has your life of juju affected your family?
Well, I'm still married, and the kids haven't become Satanists, or Red Sox fans. I think everyone in the house realizes, at least on some subconscious level, that their lives will be slightly happier if the Yankees win. They won't have to fear finding me in the basement. But my kids have never openly practiced juju, unless they were working the weather for a snow day.

Couldn’t your juju theories be used against the Yankees?
OK. Here's an anecdote for you. The story goes that Albert Einstein had just finished writing a big equation on the chalkboard at Princeton--maybe it was Nevada-Las Vegas, I’m sketchy--when the class dork raises his hand and says, "But Professor Einstein, couldn't your formula be used to build a bomb?" The whole room goes Greta Garbo. You can hear the roaches. So what does Einstein do? He erases the board. Class dismissed. Nobody even gets homework.

Well, before publishing what I know about juju, I considered doing the same. Yes, this book could put enormous destructive power into the hands of small market radicals, such as fans of the Cleveland Indians. But we in the Yankee fan base cannot stifle the advancement of juju. Every American child deserves access to juju. Every family should have the opportunity to torture a couch--and win a game. As a free society, we must move forward. We must let juju shine upon every town, every home, every person, regardless of race, religion, or team. A new world is at hand, and we must not fear it.

This book is not merely a recipe for revolution, but it's a pedagogy for peace, a formula for the future, a manifesto for mankind. You know, in many ways, I didn’t choose to write this book. This book chose. . . to write. . . me.

Hart Seely's Top Ten Juju Rules

Overall, 27 juju "rules" dictate how fans can influence the outcome of sporting events from the comfort and privacy of their own homes. We asked juju master Hart Seely to list his ten top commandments. . .

1. TELL NO ONE. Remember the first rule of Fight Club? ("Never talk about Fight Club.") Same here, but double it.

2. NEVER TRY TO PROVE JUJU WORKS. Waste of time. Juju does not perform in clinical tests.

3. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A LUCKY SHIRT. If there was, trust me, you wouldn't own it.

4. IT'S OK TO ABUSE INANIMATE OBJECTS. After a brutal defeat, a door should expect to be slammed. (Note: Waterboarding remains cruel and barbaric. We in America do NOT torture inanimate objects.)

5. BE NEGATIVE. In life, let the glass be half-full. But always expect your team to lose. Worst-case scenario: You're a visionary.

6. NEVER HOST A VICTORY PARTY FOR AN UPCOMING GAME. A guaranteed defeat and a lousy party.

7. NEVER HARM YOUR TELEVISION. No matter what happens on screen, it's not her fault.

8. NEVER ASK GOD TO FIX A GAME. He has more important things to do, and He doesn't need a point-shaving scandal.

9. WHEN A STRATEGY WORKS, DON'T ABUSE IT. You cannot hop on one foot throughout an entire season. Save your best for the World Series.

10. EVERY GAME IS THE WORLD SERIES. Are we clear?