Almost Scared to Live

All her life Catherine had been plagued with the white-coat syndrome phobia. It was so severe that a monster in her mind controlled Catherine’s reaction to all of her medical issues.

In 2008 the diagnosis given was squamous cell carcinoma, Stage Three. Cancer covered more than half her tongue. Doctor appointments ended when they told her “if you don’t have surgery in three months, you won’t live four.” Through research, she found the operation was an unusual and risky one and decided not to have it. Her family argued it was a necessity and would save her life. She resented that family and friends felt a need to control her. She devised a plan to let them believe she’d agree to the operation, but would stay true to her own decision.

Her lofty plan fell apart at the last minute.

Upon awakening from the anesthetic in horrific pain and unable to communicate, the Catherine she knew was gone. Left behind was an angry female intent on following only one direction. The regret of surviving had caused an unquenchable fire. Her intense desire to die offered comfort. She believed her death would free her family from the burden she’d created for them.

New mental and physical health problems produced a deep, explosive fury. Constant suicidal thoughts resulted in the additional diagnosis of PTSD.

As months passed, unbidden memories of old pleasant moments filtered into and out of her head. Could one of them surface and transport her back to an atmosphere free of mental anguish? Perhaps she should wait and find out.