You Know You're Fifty When

Approaching the half-century milestone? Know someone who is?
 
Richard Smith’s wildly popular books have made America laugh about everything from wedding-night jitters to weight loss. Now he turns his comic talent to a subject he’s experienced himself: climbing the half-century hill.
 
Over the next fifteen years, 52 million Gen Xers will celebrate their fiftieth birthdays. Whether you’re about to hit the big Five-O or already have your AARP card, there are certain signs that you can’t ignore. Because even if you feel like you’re at the top of your game, you know you’re 50 when . . .
 
• Your main form of aerobic exercise is getting up to find the remote
• You think a mosh pit is something found at the center of an exotic fruit
• “Performance anxiety” refers to golf . . . and bingo night
• You read obituaries not to see who died but how long they lived
• Twice in one night refers to bathroom visits
 
So go ahead and spend your kid’s inheritance on a Porsche (and liposuction so you can fit into it)—you’ve got another 50 years to go!