Outsmarting Anger: 7 Strategies for Defusing Our Most Dangerous Emotion

5 Tips to Transform Another Person’s Anger Impulse

In Outsmarting Anger you’ll be learning how it’s not just your own anger that gets in the way of success, but someone else’s.

It sounds so simple. Without even thinking twice we thank the bank teller, the waiter, the teacher, the boss, and they thank us. But think about when someone doesn’t thank you, when those two words don’t appear. It feels pretty strange, almost like we’re invisible, or that our very presence isn’t valued. Someone who doesn’t say thank you is instantly classified as “rude.” That’s how important it is to remember those words. Try adding a few thank yous to your day- even to those you don’t have to thank but who really deserve it like the street cleaner, the intern, and the parking lot attendant. When you value others, it’s like taking a fire hose to feelings of anger.

Nothing causes the feeling of common frustration and more than a disorganized line at restaurant or place of service. We have in our evolutionary DNA both the need to get to resources first and an innate sense of fairness. When someone cuts in line, people get angry. If you’re the last to arrive and don’t know where the line is, you will be helping calm everyone’s anger impulse by speaking up to establish where the line is and going to the end of it. You can even make a joke, “Wow, you’d think they’re giving them away today!” As fans of these awesome bagels, you already have a lot in common.

Those fancy designer sunglasses probably make you feel like the coolest looking person on the planet. They ought to; you spent the big bucks on ‘em. But when you don’t show your eyes to the person with whom you’re interacting, you are sending a very subtle but clear message of disrespect, as if they’re not worthy of your glance. And what’s worse, when a person cannot see your eyes, they can’t gauge your intent or level of sincerity. Consequently, you’ve communicated to them that you are not trustworthy. When you are not trusted, you tend to breed mistrust or suspicion, a perfect kindling for anger.

Who are you more likely to want to meet, let alone trust? The person who walks around the office avoiding eye contact and scowling, or the person who walks by you and gives you a warm and respectful smile? Studies show that the person who smiles is perceived by others as calm, happy, and confident – the kind of person most of us are already attracted to. But on a deeper level, they’re also the one who’s least likely to be seen as a threat to your safety. The safer you feel, the less frightened or angry you feel. So when you smile at someone, you’re signaling to them that you are safe and they can relax their suspicion and anger radar around you.

We live in a society that is always telling us to “toot your own horn” to get ahead. But actually, boasting about a new home, sports car, or raise, is unlikely to win you lasting admiration. When you brag, in fact you’re kick starting a human tendency to feel envy, a close cousin of anger. You run the risk of making others want what you have and resent you for having it instead of them. It’s not their fault. People are just wired this way. But now you know how you can influence others and keep them less angry at you, and less angry in general. Mum’s the word on those Red Sox Box Seats.