Sprinting for a Six Pack: A Diet Satire

Disclaimer: This book is a satire. The information within this book has been loosely researched (like most diet books) and is unsafe. Many of the weight loss secrets are dangerous or could kill you. If you asked your doctor about doing some of these things, he or she would probably refer you to a good shrink, and in that case, you would want to check with your insurance first since stuff like that isn’t always covered. So, really, don’t try this stuff.

If you are like most Americans, you would do anything to lose weight as long as it doesn’t involve eating less or exercising. Who wants to do that? The good news is that there are easy, secret fixes that will help you lose weight, sometimes instantly! While painful, dangerous, psychologically harmful, or potentially lethal, these “secret” solutions that “they” don’t want you to know about WILL help you finally shrink that fat ass.

Every year, Americans spend billions of dollars trying to lose weight. Still, our butts are huge, bellies are flabby, and with each passing year, fewer people want to have sex with us. The diets aren’t working. All that common sense advice of cutting calories and exercising more hasn’t made us into the skinny hotties who we all long to be. Why? Well, that’s an excellent question, thanks for asking. They don’t work because human beings don’t like common sense. Solutions that are based on common sense are not very exciting and so people get bored and eat a package of Chips Ahoy. Let’s face it, if human beings really wanted common sense solutions, by now there would be world peace and we wouldn’t be running out of oil.

Unfortunately, modern people like food but not fat people. Those poor fatties make less money, are less likely to date and get married, and get snickered at behind their backs by good-looking thin people. I’m not sure where that information came from. I think I read it somewhere on the Internet, but I’m sure that it will all ring true. While being chubby might come in handy someday if our society collapses or we have a zombie apocalypse, at the moment, having a spare tire or two makes it harder to buy cool clothes and get laid.

So, if you’ve been looking for magic bullets to lose weight (in fact, a bullet will make you lose 100% of your weight instantly!), you’ve come to the right place. You are about to read the best diet book ever. Over 20 of my friends and relatives will vouch that this is so.

Includes the following:
The Tapeworm—Your New Best Friend
PICA
The Dumpster Diet
Keeping Your Mouth Shut
PILLS PILLS PILLS
Sprinting for a Six-Pack
Plate Techniques
Tweak Yourself Slim
Humiliate the Fat Away
Lock Away the Fat
You Can Hack It
Shiver-Me-Slimmer
F**k Away the Fat