Did I Kill My Mother? A Journey of Self Discovery

I was told I was nothing. No good, not even worth the time of day or even the acknowledgement of my existence…... Description: Even as a young child I believed other people were witches and warlocks, except me, and they could come at any time and dispose of me, like I was a pawn in a game they were playing. I forgot until this moment I was suicidal when I met my first husband at age 15. I wanted out then too. I was planning on slitting my wrists when he showed up with his family in tow. I finally “felt” loved, something that was missing in my life until then. I knew of course my family loved me, but I didn’t “feel” it, almost like we were just playing a game, living without emotion, living with blinders on. My mother always down-played my emotions as a child. I was an overly emotional child. I loved to dream. I laughed a lot, cried a lot and talked a lot and my mother believed if I continued this behavior I would grow up without friends and be labeled as the “local crazy lady”. She wanted me to fit in. She wanted the best for me and believed conforming to the norm was the only way to survive. My dreams were just that, dreams and not reality and if I wanted to be happy I needed to fit in…. but that wasn’t my dream.