Clusterfuck: The Farkas Foxtrots: Season One, Episode Six

One time about five years ago, Luie and me watched Bandits, this movie with Billy Bob Thornton and John McClane about bank robbers who would take a bank manager hostage at night, then go with him to the bank early the next morning so they could clean the place out before anybody else showed up. I don’t remember much of the actual movie, since we started watching it stoned and finished watching it stoned and drunk.
But Luie remembered. He remembered so well he bribed his way into a server job at a convention of bank managers and found himself the ugliest, fattest woman manager in the place. He did some asking around, found out all about her self-esteem and daddy issues, and wound up dating her. He hated the smell the most, he said, on account of how she never washed under the folds on her belly, chin and arms. But Luie, he soldiered on. Six months into the relationship, I kicked in her apartment door and took them both hostage.
We spent the night eating takeout food I’d brought with me and watching old porn tapes I’d also brought. The tapes were Luie’s idea. He figured they’d get her all hot and bothered for the “Thank God we’re still alive” sex she’d offer him in the vault once I’d locked them in the next morning.
Come daylight, I had them take me to the bank and got away with a little less than $80,000. Luie got locked in the vault with her, but the hot after-hostage sex didn’t happen. She dumped his ass on the spot for not standing up to me more, which I thought was pretty raw. Luie’d put on enough of a show that I had to pistol-whip him so hard his eye stayed closed for a week. But that little love tap didn’t hurt Luie near as much as the bank manager girl did. That dumping got so far under his skin that every seven or eight months he’d find out what bank she was working at and go rob the place just on general principles.


This sixth installment of the adventures of Max Farkas and Luie Grant puts them in the middle of four criminal conspiracies, and at the mercy of angry gangsters, jilted lovers and a horny skunk.

Read it today to see what everybody is calling "What happens when Pulp Fiction has a baby with Dumb and Dumber."