Unusual Immigration Law

Hastings Cavendish has released his next novella, an amusing take on English immigration and asylum law.

Here is an excerpt.

The quality of interpreters can vary, and a slight difference in turn of phrase can give the Home Office Presenting Officers (HOPOS) useful grounds to challenge their story.

HOPOS CLOSING ARGUMENTS

So, you say here you were hit in the face with a rifle butt, and yet elsewhere you say you have been hit across the face with a revolver?

Well, which is it?

Are you saying you don't remember if you were hit with a rifle or a revolver?

That's not very good, is it?

I think I would remember if someone hit me in the face with a revolver or a rifle.

A revolver wouldn't be too bad. A naughty little frap across the side of the face from some effete officer.

Ooooh, please don't hit me sir.

Please don't do it again.

Ohhhh please, please don't do it...well come on then!...pleezzz oooh don't do it again...you naughty officaaaaah....

But, a rifle! What was it then? An AK47, was it? That's quite heavy.

Judge, er your Honour, esteemed friends, interpreters, claimants, and the rest of you...er gathered here today.

.....my dears!

Now this is an AK47. You know, the one with the curved magazine...phooooaaawww cool gun though innit judge!! Have you ever done any shooting yourself? I have.

Come on. No I mean come on. Na, naaa, no joking aside Judge. No I'm trying to be serious here for a minute. No, don't laugh!

How come you can never tell when I'm telling a joke and when I'm trying to be serious for a minute?

No Judge! Now you're taking it too far now....you'll upset me in a minute...

Anyway, I did a bit of shootin’ down in Miami last summer...woooaaaawww great laugh. Pump action, burettas...I did the lot.

Good holiday that though. You should try it Judge! Take the family down there.

Looooooooovely place.

Now, where was I? Aaaaaaahh yes, the AK47, selective fire, gas operated 7.62mm cartridge, muzzle velocity of 715 metres per second. Excellent penetration when shooting through jungle foilage or non-armoured vehicles.

Picture the scene if you will....members of the jury...esteemed judge, yer honour......now bear with me here.........

............it's all gone quiet.....we're in the jungles...

Back in Malaya.....The Malayan Emergency as they called it......

Bet you were there judge....you know what I'm talking about.....

.....suddenly........

A burst of shots ring out!!!!!! Oh my god they're shooting at us! Sniper!

PIANG! PIANG!...Bullets ricocheting off metal.....

Hush lads.....They're getting closer now and finally....

bratatatatat booooommmmbbb grenade!!!!

Get down judge the Hun are here....down in the trenches men!!!! Take cover under the table!!! DON'T JUST STAND THERE, INTERPRETER, GET INTO THE SPIRIT OF IT...

GET UNDER THE TABLE QUICKLY!!!

YOU TOO, M'LUD CAAAM ON!

GET YER BLUDY BONCE DOWN!!!

CAN'T LOSE OUR COMMANDING OFFICER, SAAAAAAAAH!!!

…………….Brrr cold here innit!

……………On the eastern front.

……………Anyone got any snouts?