Delayed Suicide: 13 Reasons Why (I Did) Not

“The thing is I’m going to end my life on my twenty-seventh birthday unless I figure out how to fix myself and fall in love with life before my clock runs out.”
This is how my journey began. It has been 937 days since I set the deadline. I still have 1254 days left. This book was supposed to be my last suicide note, but it turned into one of the most important parts of my self-rescue mission. By the end of this book, I’m not the same person I was when I started writing it. In Delayed Suicide, I share what I’ve been doing to fight off my depression. I followed my childhood dream. Spontaneously went to another country with my friend instead of taking an exam. Fell in love—and climbed out of it. Tried to make peace with my family. Learned how to stop hating myself. Learned how to be my own friend—a good friend, the kind of friend I always wanted to have. I quit abusing myself, both physically and mentally. I did something that people kept telling me was impossible. I did something I myself had thought to be impossible.
My hope is that if you have ever struggled with life, you will be able to relate, and if you haven’t but would like to understand someone who has, maybe I will be able to give you a glimpse of what it feels like to be a twentysomething on the verge of killing yourself. My biggest hope, however, is that between the pages of this book, you will see a little hope. If you’re thinking about suicide, I’m not telling you to forget it—I’m asking you to delay it. So that before you go, you can be sure that you did everything in your power to find something to hold on to. Give yourself another chance to want to stay.
“I really hope you make it. I root for you.” As much as I root for myself.
Please note that there are some non-descriptive sexual situations and strong language in the book. It is hardly a literary masterpiece—I wrote it the way I would tell my story to a good friend: without holding back, embellishing, too much whining, or pseudo-philosophizing. For the same reason, I should warn you that, in my view, the book is most suitable for young/new adult audience, simply because it is limited to my personal experience and might seem useless to those who apart from depression also have kids and a mortgage.
Spoiler: At the end of the book, I’m not a happy Buddhist who has it all figured out. I still don’t know what will happen on my twenty-seventh birthday. Will it be the last day of my war? Will it be it the first day of the rest of my peaceful life? I don’t know. All I know is that as long as I keep looking for something I could belong with, there’s still hope.
If I kill myself eventually, you will be the only ones to know all the reasons I did not do that for. Attention? Revenge? Pricks? Please.
This book is deeply personal, but it’s not really about me. It’s about every “nobody” like me out there.
That said, I invite you to take my imperfect, anonymous hand and walk side by side with me, not for the sake of the destination, but for the sake of all the sad, embarrassing, entertaining, and inspiring stops along the way.