Still a Nice Guy

Dating is a humorous struggle for a recently divorced man who has no clue what women want.

Excerpt from Still a Nice Guy - What's Your Sign?

Astrology is bullshit. That doesn't keep people--including First Ladies--from making decisions based on their horoscopes. Some women decide if they are compatible with a man based on his sign. "Oh, you're a Virgo? Well, then this will never work." She's right; it won't, because I don't want to waste time with a deluded person. It's time we come up with a new set of signs, and I'm just the man to do it.

• Hairies. Featuring Greeks and Italians, this group includes people with constant shower drain clogs and an arsenal of clippers and razors.
• Saggyderryarius. Old folks with droopy butts.
• Whorpio. Also known as "sex junkie," obsessed with enjoying the finer things in life in exchange for putting out.
• Borus. This includes people who dominate every group event and keep us all on the edge of our seats with their Facebook updates, or so they think.
• Gleeyo. One with obnoxious laughter hiding a deep depression.
• Hebra. Man with boobs.
• Ginani. Martini addicts. People who drink from triangular glasses and act catty.
• Furgo. Women with hairless privates that make it easy for men to find glory while fantasizing about their high school sweethearts.
• Glancer. Voyeurs who can't talk to women without staring down the cleavage.

For you blue-collar types:

• Construction Zone. Visit Del Mar, La Jolla, or Scottsdale to discover wild packs of these Botox-laden beasts.
• School Zone. Cougars out to teach youngsters how to make a Cosmopolitan and find the G-spot.
• Yield. A sign of indifference. I use this one often. It represents someone who would rather receive directions than guess what you want. It also means that I don't care what your sign is.